You know the oft-repeated Chinese curse that goes, “May you live in interesting times?” Well, the first year of college is interesting times for just about every student – and their families.
Many, if not most, new students and their families reasonably assume that the hardest part – the most interesting of times – is going to hit sometime in September or October. Or maybe during the fall exam period when students get their first real taste of academic stress on a large scale. It stands to reason that new students would struggle most at the moment the big changes are hitting for the first time, right?
Except it doesn’t always work out that way.
The first semester is such a whirlwind of newness that many first-years don’t have the time or the emotional space to take in all that is happening around and to them. They’re like ducks heading upstream in a strong wind. They try hard to appear unfazed and in control while they’re paddling fiendishly under the surface just trying to keep up. It is frequently wildly exciting and a ton of fun when it’s happening. But it’s also exhausting and overwhelming.
And then the semester ends, the holidays arrive, and students go home for their first extended break. Thanksgiving doesn’t count because it is at the end of the semester and the academic workload is mounting in ways that prevent students from truly unplugging. But the December – January vacation is different. The term is over. Most students are home for three or more weeks. They sleep. And eat well. And sleep. And watch television. And sleep. And spend time with their friends from home.
They resume longstanding friendships. Friendships forged over time and built around common interests and values rather than random placement in the room next door by an overworked and underpaid housing officer. And then, for the first time since the start of the year they stop and reflect on all of it.
They reflect on new friends and old friends and classes and clubs and parties. They think about the person they are at home and the person they are at school. How they’re spending their time. Who they’re spending it with. They examine what college is compared to what they had expected it would be.
Most take it all in, digest it, decide they like how things are going, and generally stay the course. They might decide to join a new club, or spend more time in the library, or start making time to play the piano again. But by and large college life is good and after three weeks of enough sleep and home cooked meals they are good to go.
But not everyone. Some return to school after the holidays and suddenly lots of those things they loved about college at first seem and feel different. The people and the parties and the conversations aren’t as new or interesting or appealing as before. The food in the dining hall is lousy. The weather sucks. Their college is too big and urban or too small and rural. They didn’t get the classes they wanted. And their Facebook, Instagram, and Snap feeds are ceaselessly filling with posts from their high school friends who are having WAY more fun at their colleges.
So, they reach the only logical conclusion. They have to transfer.
Next thing you know the same kid who was so over-the-moon happy in October that she didn’t have time for a ten-minute call on Sunday is calling and texting you night and day about how miserable she is. Your blood pressure is rising, your sleep is declining, and your smartphone data plan is blowing up.
Please believe me when I say you can relax. It’s okay. In fact, having spent literally hundreds of hours talking with students questioning if they made the right college choice, I can tell you that it is in fact a good thing.
Okay, maybe not the calls and the texts.
But first-year college students honing in on what it is they want their college experience to be is normal, healthy, and helpful. The mid-year recalibration prompts many students to pursue a new academic direction that suits them better. Others get involved in clubs or sports or performing groups that add depth and substance to their college experience. And others still, figure out that as much as they like the big, loud parties, they also want to spend some Friday and Saturday nights going to theater performances or playing board games with friends.
If your college student is suddenly talking about transferring my advice is this:
- The rule of thumb is you don’t transfer away from someplace, you transfer to someplace. So, if something about their college experience doesn’t seem right, they should explore it, identify it, and figure out how best to fix it.
- They should, by all means, look at other schools as possible transfer options. But the idea of transferring cannot dominate their lives. If they proceed as if it is a forgone conclusion that they’re going to leave, then they will never understand what the core problem is and it will follow them if they do choose to transfer.
- Remember that transferring means starting over from scratch somewhere new. It’s hard. Very often the grass that looks greener from the other side turns out to be the same shade of brown.
If transferring is the right thing, that will come into focus as the year progresses. Being thoughtful and deliberate about the process greatly increases the likelihood that the next school will be the right one.
As for all the parents trying to support students who are unhappy and struggling, try to roll with it as best as you can. These moments aren’t a lot of fun for anyone. But helping our children learn to navigate the interesting times in life is a big part of what college is all about.
